Ask A Professional
Get answers from our professionals to frequently asked questions about funerals, cremation, customs, laws and more.
What do I do when a death occurs?
Please contact us immediately at 650-342-6617 as soon as the death has occurred. Our caring staff is available 24 hours a day, every day of the year to assist you and ensure that every detail will be taken care of.
Can any funeral home assist me during the loss of a loved one or do I have to use the funeral home that owns the cemetery where my loved one owns property?
You have the right to use any funeral home. The firm that owns the cemetery where your loved one owns property cannot prevent you from using another firm.
Is there a state law stating that I have to buy an outer burial container or vault?
The answer is no. However, most perpetual care cemeteries do require at least a concrete grave liner so that the weight of the grave doesn't crush the casket and cause the grave to cave in. You do not have to purchase the outer burial container from the cemetery. It can be purchased from the cemetery, the funeral home you use, or some other provider of your choosing.
Is embalming required by law?
Embalming is not required by law. Embalming is a temporary form of sanitation and preservation of a deceased human body. Embalming can often enhance the appearance of a body and can enable the family of the deceased to have an extended time for viewing or an open casket service. Most states require embalming when remains are transported across state lines.
If my loved one desires cremation but other family members want to have a public viewing how does that work?
Much the same way as a traditional funeral. The body would be embalmed, bathed, dressed, have appropriate cosmetics applied, if necessary, and put in a casket that you either rent or purchase. Once the funeral service is over funeral home personnel transfer the body to an alternative container that is then taken to the crematory for the cremation process.
Can pre-planning make it easier for my loved one to receive Medicaid benefits for nursing home care?
Yes. By purchasing a pre-arranged funeral plan you remove funds from your loved one's estate and thereby "spend down" their assets. The government allows funds to be spent on pre-arranged funeral plans, providing that the plan is established as irrevocable, ensuring that the funds can only be used toward funeral expenses without the possibility of being cashed out.
Why do families have a funeral or memorial service?
The purpose of a service or gathering is to honor, memorialize and celebrate a loved one's life in a way that is both comforting and meaningful. A funeral service gives family, friends and members of the community an opportunity to grieve and offer their support to the family of the deceased.
What does a funeral director do?
Our purpose is to provide families with helpful information and resources, enabling them to make knowledgeable and wise choices to meet their specific needs. We oversee the details for completing all necessary paperwork, obtaining the death certificate, and conducting funeral or memorial ceremonies.
Do you have to have a funeral director for a burial?
In most states, family members may bury their own dead although regulations vary. However, most people find it very trying to be solely responsible for arranging the details and legal matters surrounding a death.
Is there value of an open casket or viewing?
Most families recognize the importance of an open casket as an aid to the grief process. Viewing of the body allows the bereaved to recognize a loved one's death and provides the opportunity to offer final respects to the deceased.
Isn't burial space becoming scarce?
While it is true some metropolitan areas have limited available cemetery space, in most areas of the country, there is enough space set aside for the next 50 years without creating new cemeteries. In addition, land available for new cemeteries is more than adequate, especially with the increase in entombment and multi-level grave burial.
Do funeral directors take advantage of the bereaved?
Funeral directors are caring individuals who help people deal with a very stressful time. They serve the same families 80% of the time, and many have spent most of their lives in the same community. If they took advantage of bereaved families, they could not stay in business. The fact that the average funeral home has been in business over 59 years shows that most funeral directors respect the wishes of the bereaved families.
What recourse does a consumer have for poor service or overcharging?
Funeral service is regulated by the FTC and state licensing boards. In most cases, the consumer should discuss problems with the funeral director first. If the dispute cannot be solved by talking with the funeral director, the consumer may wish to contact the Funeral Service Consumer Assistance Program.
FSCAP provides information, mediates disputes, provides arbitration, and maintains a consumer guarantee fund for reimbursement of services rendered. (To contact FSCAP, call 708-827-6337 or 800-662-7666).
Is it right to make a profit from death?
Funeral directors look upon their profession as a service, but it is also a business. Like any business, funeral homes must make a profit to exist. As long as the profit is reasonable and the services rendered are necessary, complete, and satisfactory to the family, profit is legitimate.
Don't funeral directors mark caskets up tremendously, at least 400%?
No. Talking about the mark up on caskets is really not the point. Most items – clothing, furniture, jewelry – are marked up as much or more than caskets. The real question is whether the funeral director is making an excessive profit, And that answer is "No." Profits run around 12.5% before taxes – not excessive by any standard.
Why are funerals so expensive?
When compared to other major life cycle events, like births and weddings, funerals are not expensive. A wedding costs at least three times as much; but because it is a happy event, wedding costs are rarely criticized.
Who pays for funerals for the indigent?
Other than the family, there are veteran, union, and other organizational benefits to pay for funerals, including, in certain instances, a lump sum death payment from Social Security. In most states, some form of public aid allowances are available from either the state, county, or city or a combination.
Most funeral directors are aware of the various benefits and know how to obtain them for the indigent. However, funeral directors often absorb costs above and beyond what is provided by agencies to insure the deceased a respectable burial.
What government agencies help defray final expenses?
Usually, Funeral Directors will help gather the necessary information to apply for financial assistance from Social Security, Veteran's, retirements and any others.
Can I still have a funeral or a viewing with a cremation?
Yes. Most families still choose traditional services with visitation and/or viewing of the deceased before the cremation process occurs.
What do I do with the cremated remains of my loved one?
Usually, a family choosing cremation has three options for disposition. In accordance with California law, cremated remains may be:
1) Permanently placed in a cemetery. Our client families are provided special offers for no-obligation temporary placement at Cypress Lawn Memorial Park in Colma.
2) Scattered on private lands in areas where no local prohibition exists and express written consent is given by the property owner or governing agency.
3) Kept in possession of a private residence providing that the location address is indicated on the Disposition Permit that is filed with the County Health Department.
Can I make arrangements in advance?
Yes. You can plan in advance online. Click on our Estate Planning tab. You may also meet with one of our counselors. They will be pleased to share all of your options based on your needs and preferences.
How much will Social Security pay toward my funeral expenses?
The Social Security Administration may pay a lump sum death benefit of $255 to the surviving spouse, provided the deceased and his/her spouse were living together at the time of death. Further information regarding benefits that you or your family may be eligible for can be obtained by calling the Social Security Administration at (800) 772-1213 or visiting their website at www.ssa.gov.
As a United States veteran, will the Veterans Administration pay for my funeral expenses?
Each honorably discharged veteran is entitled to a burial in a VA national cemetery including the gravesite, opening and closing of the grave, a government issue headstone or marker and a grave liner provided at the government's expense. A burial flag and military honors can be available as well. In certain circumstances, other monetary reimbursements may also be available for eligible veterans. These may include a burial allowance of $300, a plot allowance of $150 and some transportation expenses. If the death is service connected, additional monies may be available. For other questions concerning additional benefits, you may call 800-827-1000 or you can visit their website at www.va.gov.
How do I write a eulogy?
These questions should get you thinking:
- How did you and the deceased become close?
- Is there a humorous or touching event that represents the essence of your loved one?
- What did you and others love and admire about the person who has died?
- What will you miss most about him or her?
- Some of the simplest thoughts are deeply touching and easy for those congregated to identify with. For example, "I'll miss her smile," or "I'll never forget the way he crinkled his nose when he laughed," are just as good as "I admired her selflessness."
Tips
- Be honest and focus on the person's positive qualities.
- Humor is acceptable if it fits the personality of the deceased.
- Keep it brief. Five to ten minutes is the norm, but it's a good idea to verify that with the minister or funeral director.
- Interviewing family and friends will give you more ideas.
- Put the eulogy on paper - at least in outline form.
What documents do I need to make funeral arrangements?
The following items will be useful when making arrangements:
- Social Security number
- Birth Certificate
- Veterans discharge papers (DD214)
- Cemetery documents
- Newspaper notice information
- Clothing, under garments and dentures
- Recent photograph for cosmetics and hairstyling
A listing of the typical death certificate information needed by the funeral director can be obtained by clicking Arrangement Preferences on the Forms and Resources page of this website. You can download and complete this useful form prior to your arrangement conference.
What about cremation?
There are several options available to families that choose cremation as a final disposition. Many choose to have a funeral service with cremation following. Whether the service is before or after, in a church or funeral home, families have many of the same opportunities to celebrate, memorialize and honor the life of a loved one.
Do I need to have an obituary notice appear in the newspaper?
Our funeral home offers "online placement" of your loved one's obituary and photograph. Friends and families from around the world can view it and sign the online guest book. This feature is given to all of our clients.
An obituary or death notice is not a legal requirement. Most newspapers have advertising fees for their services. If you choose to place an obituary or death notice in any of several local, out of town, or out of state newspapers, your funeral counselor can assist you with your needs.
Meet Our Manager
John Crosby
For John Forest Crosby, serving families at Crosby- N. Gray Funeral Home truly runs in his genes... More
Thank you so much for everything you did for our family. Your very thoughtful and caring attention to details to make our Mom’s passing both beautiful and comforting.
— Toni M., Cheryl M.
Thank you for being so understanding and handling everything in a very professional manner.
— George
Thank you for all your work with the memorial service of my dad, James Case. It is greatly appreciated. Have a wonderful day.
— Steph J.
Thank you for all your help during this tragedy. This has been a really sad holiday for me. Thank you and your staff for your kindness.
— Gay
Many thanks for your splendid work on Bob’s memorial service. Mark was marvelous as well-please thank him from me.